Did you ever forget a friend's birthday, and you want to call her the next day and make up for it, but then you feel bad that you forgot, so you don't. And then some time passes, and every time you want to call that friend, you remember forgetting the birthday, so you don't...but now you also feel bad about all the time that has passed. And then more time passes. And before you know it, your friend has gotten married, had three kids, moved out of state, and is running for Mayor of her new town, but you still can't bring yourself to call, all because of that stupid missed birthday call!?!
It's kind of like that.
Where have I been? Well, it's a little complicated. It started out kind of like the story above, but it was more like I had so much to share, but no time to write an intelligible post about it, so I waited. But then I had even more to share, and yada yada yada, the cycle continued.
And then my life imploded.
Back sometime around the end of November, things started to change for this mother of four. Elijah got sick the night before Thanksgiving, and I missed the holiday altogether. And then his illness turned into the beginning of teething, and my already seldom-sleeping baby began to sleep even fewer hours than before. He replaced them with hours of screaming. All. Night. Long.
Over the course of the next few months, this sleeping problem became more severe, and while I tried with all my might to not keep track, I am pretty sure I never got more than 5 hours of sleep for a single night in January. Most nights it was three. Or less. The absolute worst was when I finally got Eli to fall asleep, and I heard Emma's alarm clock ring, telling her it was time to get up for school.
Now, I have never been particularly needy when it comes to sleep. In fact, during my more manic productive times, I could go for days with very little sleep. But not weeks. And certainly not months. By the end of January, I was almost unrecognizable to myself. I spent my days in a fog, barely holding myself together enough to deal with the laundry, dishes, dinner, and homework that are the core of my job. And some days I couldn't do any of those things. I gained 15 pounds, because hearing a baby scream for hours makes me want to eat my feelings, and by feelings, I mean Lucky Charms. And somehow I developed an addiction to Candy Crush--which you will be happy to note, I just deleted from my phone before I sat down to write this. Enough is enough.
So, where in the world have I been? I've been right here, with a baby in my arms, a toddler climbing up my back, helping the big kids with homework while I stare at the wall, eat lucky charms, or play Candy Crush. It has not been pretty, y'all.
It is now half-way through March. We have done sleep training, which my pediatrician said would take 3-5 days, and which actually took 6 weeks, and is still ongoing. Elijah just cut his fourth tooth, which is incredible, since one month ago he did not have anything but swollen gums. And I am ready to start putting my life back together. It's funny that one of my goals for this year was to be more human, and that I almost immediately devolved into something much more closely resembling primordial ooze. Oh well. I have worn shoes to Walmart at least once this year, and last week I painted my fingernails. So, that's something.
Through it all, there have been moments of sunlight, clarity, and joy, which I look forward to sharing with you in the coming days. But for now, I need to deal with my screaming son (note that it's 4am) and then get a couple hours of sleep before the rest of the kids wake up.
Hoping to be back here soon!
XOXO, Anna
