June 21, 2012
We drove home from the doctor's office in heartbroken silence. I was stunned, although I didn't know why. I'd been pretty sure that we'd lost the baby two days earlier on Tuesday. I'd seen the evidence, felt the wrenching pains of labor...but still I'd hoped, through an impossible mother's hope, that today, Thursday, we would see something different on that monitor. I begged God for a tiny heartbeat. I believed it would be there. But all I saw was the image of my empty womb, and now I was stunned.
Donnie squeezed my hand, and the tears flowed again.
The loss of a baby is a strange one. For nine weeks, we'd kept our happy secret. We had planned and dreamed about who he would be, or what she would look like. We had discussed names and room assignments, imagined what life would be like with two babies so close in age...and now it was over. I'd never get to squeeze those chubby legs, never admire the delicate features of that newborn face, or kiss those tender newborn lips. There was no grave, no photos to carry with me, no proof that this person who I love so dearly, even existed. The only proof was my intense sorrow.
With each mile closer to home, I wondered how I would ever keep it together for the other children. They were too little understand.
At home they greeted us with their usual cheer and excitement. "Is your tummy better, Mommy?" "Almost."
I spent the day snuggling them and holding them close. We laughed and talked, all piled into our big bed together. And when a new wave of sadness hit, I buried my face into Donnie's shoulder until the sobs subsided. The children, in their limited understanding, stroked my hair and nuzzled my face. "It's okay, Mommy," they soothed. I thank God for them.
As the end of the day approached, Donnie suggested we walk to the park. The park? Didn't he know I wanted to stay home and wallow in my grief? As my gaze met his, I realized that he did know. But he wasn't going to let me. We had to keep living. I whispered a prayer for strength as we headed out the door.
At the playground, my spirit was lifted. The little ones climbed and swung. Esther, only 13 months old and barely walking, figured out how to climb up the slide, turn around at the top, and slide back into my arms. I marveled at the feeling of joy in the midst of my pain.
Donnie helped the big kids, 5 and 7, across the monkey bars. I couldn't believe how big they were getting. Donnie started over to the slide to see Esther's new trick, and just as he reached the slide, a shrill cry of pain hit us like a jolt. My eyes darted back to the monkey bars, and there was Ethan--his 5-year-old body lying in a puddle on the ground under the bars.
Donnie rushed to him, scooped him up, and started to assess the damage. But I was paralyzed. The blood pounded in my ears, my head spun with the sound of rushing wind, and my heart screamed. "Not today! Lord, why is this happening today? I can't take anymore! I can't bear to look at my son's broken body, when I still haven't begun to grieve the loss of my baby!"
And in that moment, while Donnie gently lifted Ethan's bruised arm, clearly broken, God spoke His loving words to my angry, aching heart. "I have your baby. You need to take care of the children I have already given you."
Donnie packed Ethan into the car to head to the hospital. He wanted me to stay home with the girls, while he took care of this. He didn't seem to understand that I was incapable of letting him leave without me. I had just lost one child. I could not be separated from this other one who needed me. We all loaded into the car and headed to the hospital.
Through a series of x-rays and expert opinions, it became clear that this broken elbow would require more than just a simple cast. They would keep him overnight so that he could have surgery in the morning.
At midnight, as he got settled into his room, Donnie and I discussed who would stay and who would take the girls home to sleep. There wasn't much to discuss. I wasn't leaving my baby boy.
The bed wasn't quite big enough for both of us, but I crowded in on him, holding him through two versions of "Ice Age" movies. When he was finally asleep, I reflected on the last few days. I felt exposed and raw. My sense of security in my family's health had been stripped away. I had no control.
How did Job do it? How did he experience loss after excruciating loss, all within a matter of days, and react in worship? Could I do that?
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away." The Lord had certainly taken away from me today. But as I lay there with Ethan, I realized that He had been piling gifts on me as well. I had laughed, loved, marveled at joy. I had my ever-traveling husband at home during both events--an absolute miracle for a youth pastor in the summer. We had a vehicle to drive to the hospital, insurance to help with the costs, modern medicine that can see broken bones through skin and take the edge off the pain...
I remembered the hundreds of times my children had played at the park, had hung from those very bars, without getting even a scratch. I remembered the three pregnancies I'd gone through without a single medical complication, and the three beautiful children I had as the result. We live in a harsh, dangerous world, with fragile bodies, and it is only by the grace of God that we are not in the hospital or mourning a loved one every single day!
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away."
But He gives.
And He gives.
And He gives.
And I fell to my knees in worship.
::
It has been one year since that terrible week last June. Ethan's arm is completely healed, although he is still a bit shy of the monkey bars. I don't know if I'll ever be finished mourning my lost little one, my sparrow, but my body has also healed, as evidenced in the birth of Elijah in April.
My heart has healed as well, and I will never forget the way God's Spirit carried me through those broken, sorrow-filled days, pouring on joy, peace, and comfort with a passion I will never fully understand.
He gives. And He gives. And He gives.
I can always use this! It's great to have a scripture to "back-up" the parenting decisions. This is another tool to show our girls why we have the rules and make the decisions we do.
Posted by: Tina | Monday, June 17, 2013 at 10:59 AM